Lonely Stretch

Alawhatthefucka! is what I would like to call Alaturka Restaurant after last nights debacle. You know when you go to dinner somewhere you've really been interested in going to and then it all goes bad and wrong? And so it was in this case - started out well and yeah, it all kind of took a wrong turn. In the immortal words of the Triffids: I took a wrong turn off an unmarked track...I did 7 miles I couldn't find my way back...

First impressions: I walk in the door and get a little bit lost. The register and maitre d are all WAY down the back of the restaurant which is somewhat - howyousay - cavernous, so I'm left standing like a bump on a log. Luckily when I hail a waitperson she is over in a flash and I'm seated quickly. I have a look around and it looks pretty flash - iconic turkish pictures on the ceiling, pretty paintings, nice furnishings, candles on the table, a palpable hum in the air... all boding well for a good night. Service attentive, drinks come quickly - I'm feeling good! So where exactly does it start going wrong... ?

Is it churlish of me to mention the bread? First course is dips, eggplant, hummus and the turkish equivalent of tzatziki - but served with STALE turkish bread and some random lebanese bread thrown in for good measure. Passable - even I can forgive stale bread. Benefit of the doubt and all that. So we move on to the other appetiser, which is presented on a very imaginative garnish - a capsisum that's been carved to look like a crocodile! Even I am impressed by this. The meatball that comes with it - a minced lamb meatball that the menu informs me will be rolled in nuts n stuff and covered in lashings of cous cous - comes out and is very very tasty, although I can find no evidence of cus cus (SP). Tick. Moving on.

Mains arrive. Now let me tell you that the menu was quite specific in listing the components of both the dishes that we ordered - for me, mini chicken stuffed with rice, sultanas, peanuts and turkish herbs, for her, swordfish skewers with grilled potatoes and mushroom sauce with pomegranates. What came out? Hmm well.....my mini chicken was definitely not stuffed with any of the ingredients stated, it was stuffed full of greenness, which led me after the fact to suspect that perhaps it was one of those leonards mini rolled chickens. It was nicely presented though, came out with a mound of rice, a wee bit of salad, some yoghurt, oh and did I mention the wedges? Yes, you read right, WEDGES, the lesser known staple of turkish cuisine. Dining partner looked at her dinner in dismay - 3 swordfish skewers in the middle of the plate stuck into a lemon half and some scattered busyness around the plate which kind of gave the illusion of food without actually providing any - oh and yes - again with the wedges. No grilled potatoes, no mushroom sauce. Taste-wise - the chicken was ok, a bit dry, and didn't taste of sultanas, peanuts or herbs really but the swordfish skewers were pretty unlovely - if it had been my dinner I would have cried my eyes out. And the worst part was that it cost almost $30! $30 and not a side in sight!

Moving on - just let me mention here that while the service started with a bang, it's totally disintegrated by this point in the meal - the restaurant is totally packed and our table is full of old glasses and plates n shiz - so the logical thing to do is to visit the toilet. So I head down the back to find the toilet and find the ambi-pur toilet fresheners are kicking around the floor in the hallway OUTSIDE the door of the toilets. When I go inside I can't find the lock on the door, there's no toilet paper on the toilet-roll holder and I'm trying not to look at all the dust on the shelf. I have a mate who calls this kind of stuff "dirtyflash" - it's all good on the surface, but if you poke around a little you uncover all the hideousness.

By the time I come out I'm done with this place. It's inconsistent and overrated. Mama turkish lady is scowling at me everytime I walk past her. But I gird my loins to tackle dessert. Kadiyifi with icecream. It comes. It's yummy. The icecream (3 flavours) is good. The sweet turkish coffee i've ordered is FABULOUS. But nothing can bring me back from the wedges.